Related articles from the Forum

The Civic Education section of the Forum (vol. 37, nos. 1-4) focuses on issues that help to define or promote a civil society. The four main issues are considered keys in building and maintaining a civil society: diversity, tolerance, respect, and consensus. We hope to provide readers with content-rich material and interesting exercises for the EFL class that will help students not only to improve their English but also better understand their place in the world's society.

The Keys to a Civil Society
Diversity - Tolerance - Respect - Consensus
by Damon Anderson

Respect
In this four-part series in the Forum, the Civic Education section is focusing on issues that help to define or promote a civil society. The four main issues addressed are considered crucial in building and maintaining a civil society: diversity, tolerance, respect, and consensus. Each issue is dealt with in a separate article. We hope to provide readers with content-rich material and EFL class exercises that students will find interesting and that will them not only improve their English but also better understand their place in the world's society.

The first two articles covered diversity (vol. 37, no. 2) and tolerance (vol. 37, no. 3) which are the basis for our third topic, respect. In the previous two articles, we explored the fact that diversity is all around us in many forms such as age, ethnic background, gender, and culture. Then we explored our awareness of our tolerance toward the diversity we face. Without an awareness of diversity and tolerance, it is difficult to develop respect.

Respect is perhaps the most difficult of the keys of civil society to discuss because it is the most personal one. The others deal mostly with how we react to outside factors. Respect stems from how we feel about ourselves first (self-esteem and self-respect) and then branches out to how we feel about outside factors.

According to several dictionaries, respect is the willingness to show consideration, appreciation, or worth to someone, someplace, some action, or something, or it is the act of refraining from or not interfering with someone, some action, or something. Showing respect does not necessarily mean acceptance or agreement. Dr. Michael Kimmel, professor of sociology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook and author of Manhood in America, says respect "is treating people as if their integrity were equal to yours." One old saying seems to hold true in almost every culture: Respect is earned, not given.

But what is the essence of respect? The Men's Health Life Improvement Guide (1998) suggests that respect may comprise 11 pillars:

Self-respect -- This is the cornerstone on which all other attributes are built: honesty, confidence, integrity, and the rest….You can work on it at any age in your life, and as you build on it, the other materials of respect will fall into place.
Altruism -- The Golden Rule is still the order of the day: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you….The good you do for others does you good, too….There are many things you can do on a small scale to bring altruism into your life.
Cool, Calm, and Collected -- [People] who are patient and have a relaxed attitude tend to live longer….The key to remaining cool under pressure lies in preparation, both mental and physical.
Confidence -- To feel confident enough to succeed, you often need a taste of success. Here are two quick tips. Concentrate on your achievements, not your failures. And set reachable goals. Achieve them, then move on to some more challenging ones.
Daring -- [Some people] avoid risk like the plague. If you're not naturally the daring type, you can still tackle dangerous assignments by crushing cynicism before it takes over your way of thinking. Look for inspiration in what you read, what you watch on TV or in films, and from the people you hang out with.
Honesty Here's how critical it is to the House of Respect: Lying can negate all of a [person's] good qualities. We still live by the code that a [person] is as good as his [or her] word.
Humility -- This trait is possessed by the "regular [person]" who doesn't have to pretend, posture, or put on airs. It starts with self-respect.
Humor -- A good sense of humor is the fourth most admired trait of the well-respected [person], according to a survey of Men's Health readers. Keeping a light attitude about life is good for your health. In addition, it's a great stress-reliever.
Integrity Perhaps the most difficult to define but the easiest to recognize. It comes down to ideals: a [person] living by a moral or ethical code that he or she will not compromise for anything. One expert breaks it down to three ingredients: deciding the right thing to do, acting on it, and then letting others know why you did it.
Trust Make a promise. Live up to it. Make a friend. Keep the friend. Make a commitment. Keep it. Make a deal. Honor it. Create expectations. Realize them. These are the pieces that slowly build a bridge from trust to loyalty….
Wisdom -- There are smart guys, intelligent guys, wise guys-and then there are people of wisdom who combine common sense and [education].

There are many aspects to respect. Being aware of the suggested criteria listed above is a good beginning to understanding what respect is and how to begin showing and earning it. Some people or cultures hold certain criteria in higher priority than others do. Respecting someone's opinion, wishes, or actions means that, on some level, what a person has said or done meets with your personal criteria for respect. So you will show that person all due consideration and, if appropriate, appreciation.

Please take note that fear and deference are not part of the definition of respect. You can show fear or deference without giving respect. This is a mistake that many international travelers and international business personnel make: They assume that deference means respect and that respect means acceptance or agreement. Don't be disillusioned. Make sure you know the difference.

According to Jack Croft, managing editor of the Men's Health Life Improvement Guide, a widespread decline in respect is accompanied by a widespread increase in incivility. The activities on the next three pages are designed to get students thinking and talking about the place of respect in a civil society. We hope the activities will help them be more aware of their own self-respect and how to earn respect from others.

Whom do you respect?
Before you can truly respect someone else you need to respect yourself ("This above all: to thine ownself be true…." Hamlet, act 1, scene 3). Why? Perhaps because respect is a deeply personal set of emotions and opinions. If you respect yourself then you can respect your opinion about others. If you don't respect yourself then you will find yourself often changing your opinion according to whom you are talking with or according to your mood. You will more often than not defer to others' opinions because you don't trust your own opinion: people see you as being wimpy (unsure) or brown-nosing (agreeing with another's opinion in order to gain favor with that person). People who have low or no self-respect (low self-esteem) find it difficult to spend quality time alone and often get depressed. They are a drain on other people's energies, and so people do not like to be around them for long periods of time. Self-respect can be developed at any time in one's life. Sometimes we need to renew our self-esteem, or at least reconfirm it.

It should be noted that having your own opinion does not mean that you do not respect another person's opinion. It is important to try and understand why someone's opinion differs from yours. Sometimes, allowing another person's opinion to take precedence over yours may, in its own way, be a show of respect (in this sense leaning toward the pillars of trust, wisdom, and integrity).

Activity Set (these activities can be done over a period of two to three classes)

Write the 11 pillars of respect on a chart and put it up on the wall. Go over these suggested criteria with the class. Try to illicit one or two examples of each. (20 minutes)

Have each student begin a private journal on respect. Their first topic to consider in the journal is self-respect. Ask them to go through each of the 11 pillars of respect and write a brief statement (one or two sentences) for each one about how they honestly feel about themselves in regards to each pillar. Students may share their entries with anyone if they wish to, but it is not necessary. If at the end of the process they feel that they need to work on their self-respect, they will know which areas to work on and can ask for help from their family, friends, and teachers. This step of self-reflection will prepare the students for the next step. (20 minutes)

Have each student write in his or her journal the names of everyone he or she respects. Have the student then put this list in groups according to the most important criteria (such as altruism, honesty, or trust). Have each student write a brief paragraph on each of the three people they respect the most from the list saying why the student respects them (have the students use the 11 pillars as a guideline). (15 minutes)

After they have completed their paragraphs, have the students share their work. Have them work in groups of no more than five. Students should take turns sharing one paragraph at a time. Make sure that they understand that they are sharing opinions, so there are no right or wrong answers. Students may ask each other for more clarification or ask about criteria from other pillars not mentioned in the paragraphs. (30 minutes with 5 to a group)

After a group has shared all three paragraphs for each student, have the students in the group do a small statistical analysis of their choices: How many of their choices were male, female, older, the same age, younger, family members, peer group (such as classmates, office mates, or teammates), authority figures (such as teacher, boss, supervisor), public service figures (such as police or politician), entertainment figures (such as actor, musician, sports figure)? Which criteria (from the 11 pillars or other) were the top three in choosing the people listed in the most-respected category? Were any people named by more than one person in the group? Who and why? Have each group present their analysis to the class. (time depends on the number of groups)

Put a chart on the wall and list the composite results of the class. Make prominent on the chart the criterion the class felt was most important in selecting the most-respected people. Keep this chart up for at least two weeks. Allow the students to write their reflections on these outcomes in their journals. This can be done by the students before or after class or when they have finished a test or activity early.

Self-reflection toward developing respect
As stated above, self-respect is a key to respecting others. Having and demonstrating self-respect is only one part of the whole. Another part is showing respect for others. As John Locke said in his 1693 essay Some Thoughts Concerning Education, "He that will have his son have a respect for him and his orders, must himself have a great reverence for his son." Many of the professional personal development programs for successful business and better living stress developing both self-respect and respect for others. When there is mutual respect there is understanding and the groundwork for developing consensus on ideas.

The following activity is a self-reflection exercise to help students become more aware of what they do on a daily basis to promote self-respect and respect for others. It is important for students to understand that there are no right or wrong answers. There are only degrees of doing and not doing. In their daily lives, students should strive to do as much as possible to earn respect as well as show respect to others.

Activity Set (these activities should be done over a period of a week)

Ask the students to take the list of 11 pillars and order them from priority most important to least important for determining respect. (10 minutes) Then ask them to list in their journal next to the first list any other criteria not mentioned in the 11 that they think are important for respect and to draw a line showing where those fit in to the priority list. (three to five minutes)

Divide the students into groups (five maximum). Let them share and discuss their lists. Again stress that there are no right or wrong answers. Ask each group to try to come to a consensus on the five most important criteria. (20 minutes) As a whole class, have each group share its top five. Try to come up with the top five for the class and put these up on a wall chart that will be left up for two weeks.

Have the students write in their respect journals every night for one week. The entries are to be brief statements about how they carried out each pillar of respect for the day for themselves and toward others. If they did nothing for a specific pillar, that should be noted. At the end of the week, have the students write a brief composition on which criteria they kept most often, which criteria were the most easy to keep and why, and which criteria were the most difficult and why. They should cite specific examples if possible to illustrate their feelings.

Divide the students into groups (five maximum). Have the members of each group share their compositions and discuss their experiences. Have each group come up with two lists: the three easiest criteria to keep and the three most difficult criteria to keep. (30 minutes) Bring the class together as a whole and have each group share its lists. Compare these lists to the list of the five most important criteria the class decided on previously. Discuss the implications. (20 minutes)

A respectful encounter
We show respect on many different levels to people-to the positions or offices they hold, to their qualities or characteristics, and to their situations or states of being. We also show respect to objects for cultural, religious, or sentimental or personal reasons. The following short story demonstrates different ways in which we can show respect, and often expect it. Even though the story is science fiction, the concepts and morals are true in real life.

The story takes place in a college dormitory room the morning after an interesting evening's activities. Living in an American college or university dorm provides students an education in social understanding and community living. It is a very rich experience that makes students aware of the keys of civil society: diversity, tolerance, respect, and consensus. The narrator has a close encounter with an alien commonly referred to as a Grey because of its color.

(Thinking) Why me?! Everyone else I've ever heard about gets abducted and returned home with stories about bright lights and all. But not me! No! I have to fall victim to an incompetent Grey who got sidetracked by an Internet chat room on my computer and so missed his? her? its ride home. Now it wants me to show it our world. What makes it think I know anything? I'm just a college freshman! My family thinks I'm an alien!!

Hey!! Leave that alone!! That's my private stuff! Show a little respect, will you?

I know I don't have to talk out loud because you read my thoughts. But I don't feel comfortable just thinking to you. I have to get vocal. It's in my blood. No, you can't take some of my blood! Sheesh! That was just a saying. You're going to be trouble aren't you?!

Now you just sit here and don't touch anything, please. I need to think about what we are going to do. And stay out of my mind while I'm thinking! Respect my privacy please! And don't blink those big eyes and tilt that oversized head of yours. That kind of ploy doesn't work on me. My little sister tries it all the time and it only works on my parents. I'm immune to it.

What am I going to do? I should call someone and get some help, but who? My folks? What would I say to them? "Hi Mom and Dad. I have a Grey in my room. What should I do?" No. They would just think this was some kind of millennium joke. How about Grandma? She's pretty cool. I really respect her advice. No. She's got a bad heart and this might excite her too much. Mom says we need to respect her condition. So…The police? No. They would think it was a prank phone call. Let's face it, no one is going to believe me! Who should I call? I know! I'll call Dawn, the brain in my physics class. Everyone respects her intelligence. She'll give me the benefit of the doubt and probably come over and help me figure this out.

Rrrrrring! Rrrrrring!

Hey! Grey! Calm down! It's only the telephone! Hello! Max! Hold on a minute! Grey. Come down off the ceiling! Nothing is going to hurt you! Come on down. Hold on, Max, I have a slight crisis here. Grey! Get down here! Now, sit down there and chill! No, I don't mean to get cold-just relax!
Max, sorry about that. No, my little sister is not here. No. It's not a woman. At least I don't think so. What? You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Hey, Max, of course we're buds. You're my best friend. Yeah, I respect you enough to share secrets with you. All right, Max! I'll tell you.
About midnight I was sitting at my computer and was lurking in an MTV chat room-some of those people are truly clueless; I have no respect for them. Anyway, all of a sudden there was a bright light and I felt myself floating. I looked down and sitting at my computer was this Grey. It was just watching the conversation in the chat room on the computer. Then all of a sudden it got excited. No. I don't know what was said. I couldn't read the screen. Stop interrupting, Max. Anyway, the Grey got excited, my computer exploded, the lights went out, and I fell hard to the floor. The next thing I knew, I woke up thinking I had just had a bad dream. It was daylight and I was on the floor still dressed. I got up and there was this Grey standing in front of me, just staring at me with those huge eyes. I froze. Then we began communicating via telepathy. Well, I talked, it thought. To make a long story short, the reason it got excited was that its ride home left it here while it was playing on my computer.

Come on Max, show some respect. This is real! Come on over and see, but please don't bring anybody with you. Use our secret knock. Wait! Max. Go by the women's dorm in Lincoln Tower and get Dawn. She'll know what to do. Max, this is for real!! Look Max, you barely believe me. What do you think the police will think? Just get over here! With Dawn! Now, Max!

(15 minutes later) Knock! Scratch! Knock! Scratch! Knock!

Max, is that you?! Do you have Dawn with you? Good. Is anybody else out there? OK. OK. I'm opening the door. I just have to be careful. Hi. Thanks for coming. Relax. I had to hide the Grey until I was certain you two came alone. OK, Grey. Come on out. Grey. These are the friends I told you about. Come on out from under the bed. Come on Dawn. Show me a little respect here. I know I'm a jock, but I do keep my room pretty clean. Grey is not dying from the dust under my bed. Grey!

Great! They both fainted! No, Grey, this is not how we all greet strangers. We usually show a little more respect to strangers, but you have this effect on people. Yes we are all different. I'm European American, Max is Asian American, and Dawn is African American. Yes, Grey. Human males and females are physically different. They're coming around.

Hey, you two. You OK? This is Grey. Grey, this is Dawn and Max. That's OK. You don't have to talk. Grey can read your thoughts. (Whispers: So be careful what you think!) Hold hands? Why Grey? All right.

Hey, Max and Dawn, I can read your thoughts too! (Blush) I didn't know you felt that way about me Dawn. We'll talk later. Right now, what do we do about Grey? Dawn is right, Grey. We just want to protect you from the geeks who are prejudiced against strangers like you and afraid of you. They wouldn't respect who you are or where you come from and what you have to offer us. They would just want to exploit you and dissect you. Thank you! We like to think that some of us are civilized.

Dawn is right. We could take you to Professor Ramirez. She is the most respected member of the faculty and she would help us. The president of the university?! Max! No one respects the opinion of that pompous money grabber! Yeah, I respect his position, but not him! No, Max, I vote with Dawn: we go to Professor Ramirez.

(A bright flash of light) WOW! What was that?! Grey, they came back for you!! But we haven't had time to show you anything! We understand. We can respect your desire. We'd want to go home too. What? You want to give me your computer to replace mine? Cool! Thank you. Of course I accept! How does it work? You linked it to my thoughts? Oh, I can talk to it too? Thanks! But....Hey, we're all different. We try to respect our differences and individualities here, so it was easy to treat you like an intelligent being. I'm going to miss you too. We can chat on the computer?! Cool. Maybe you can help me with my physics homework. Don't be jealous, Dawn, I'll share. Good-bye, Grey!

Wow! No one is going to believe this encounter. If I show anyone my computer, they'll take it away from me. Guys, we have to keep this a secret. OK, Dawn. I know you're not a guy. It's just an expression. I respect your gender. Sheesh! You're as bad as Grey. Yeah, that is a compliment. Hey, do you realize I am still reading your thoughts?! Cool. Show a guy a little respect and look at what we get in return. Let's go get breakfast. I'm starving!

Activity Set
1. Ask the class if anyone has seen an alien depicted in movies or a magazine. What did the alien look like? Some aliens are referred to as Greys because their color is supposedly grey. They are depicted as having big heads with enormous eyes and very skinny bodies. Brainstorm on what students might do if they encountered one in their room. Have the class read the short story silently, or read it out loud to the class (twice). (10 minutes)
2. Have each student write a response to the story in his or her journal. (3 minutes)
3. Divide the class in groups (five students per group maximum). There are 16 instances of showing respect in this story. Have the students locate each instance and discuss in their group what respect was shown and why. Ask them to decide if they would show the same respect under similar circumstances. Have them explain their answers by giving real-life examples if possible. Ask each group to come up with a consensus answer on whether or not we should automatically show respect to strangers from different cultures. And ask them to answer the questions, "What role do prejudice and stereotyping have in showing and receiving respect? Why?"
4. Bring the class together and ask each group to report on its discussions.
5. Interpretive reading. Ask students to prepare to read the story out loud. Remind them of the value of suprasegmentals: that is, pitch, intonation, stress, and pause. Let them work individually or in groups as they wish (10 minutes). Have volunteers perform the reading. (Time depends on the number of volunteers)

Notes for story
1. Respect someone else's property or possessions. You give that property or the possessions due consideration and do not disturb or misuse them.
2. Respect someone's privacy. You do not disturb or interfere with their privacy.
3. Respect someone's opinion or advice. You give full consideration to what the person tells you and if you agree with it, you accept it.
4. Respect a quality in someone or a characteristic or ability in someone. You show admiration and consideration to someone whose quality or characteristic you respect .
5. Respect someone's discretion and someone's trust. You appreciate a person who can keep a confidence, and you share trust with that person.
6. Respect people who act intelligently and who are not prejudiced. You give these people consideration. "Clueless" people do not act intelligently so are shown less respect.
7. Respect a close friend or relative. In this example, you give close friends or relatives the benefit of the doubt when they are in a difficult situation.
8. Respect someone for who they are. You do not lump someone into a stereotyped classification but give them consideration as an individual.
9. Respect individuals you do not know. You give consideration to strangers unless they prove undeserving. Follow the golden rule.
10. Respect an honored member of a group. Show esteem to a person who is honored and trusted by the group.
11. Respect the position or office a person holds, even if you do not respect the individual. You show honor to the office or position. If the person has proven himself or herself unworthy of the position or office, you do not give honor to him or her, but you do give that person minimum consideration.
12. Respect someone's idea or feelings. You give full consideration to a person's ideas or feelings.
13. Respect a gender or group. You give due consideration to members of a gender or group.
14. Respect someone as a whole. You give the person due consideration as a whole and not in part.

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